Astigmatism
by Waterfowl
Summary: Lee Adama is accustomed to losses. But one particular brand recurrently makes him readjust personal perspective.


**A/N 1: It has occurred to me, upon some close consideration of the BSG narrative structure, that a certain recurrent pattern is clearly identifiable in Lee Adama's character evolution. Which pattern is, incidentally, quite demonstrative, to my mind, of the intricacy of his relationship with Anastacia Dualla throughout the series. **

**What follows below is an attempt to pin-point and explore this particular pattern a bit within the framework of "Black Market", "Taking a Break From All Your Worries", "The Son Also Rises"/"Crossroads" and "Sometimes A Great Notion" episodes.**

**A/N 2: The text is unbetaed. Whatever errors/glitches there are - are mine. So are the ensuing rotten tomatoes.**

**Disclaimer : None of the characters, situations mentioned and/or alluded to belong to me.**

**Astigmatism***

It all comes into focus whenever she leaves. Back from the first time she confronted him in the gym. Back from when he presumably didn't know what she wanted him to say, and maybe he didn't at the moment… His alleged cluelessness sent her propelling away – obviously hurt and more than a little frustrated. A tad too forceful click of the hatch behind her back was when he knew – it _had been _going somewhere. Up to that moment, anyway… Not that she'd be interested, upon him performing the trademark Lee-Adama-jerk-extraordinaire stint. Not that she'd ever know he was completely dumbfounded by how comfortable, fulfilling and… "normal" it felt just to be around her. How much he craved that… Lee Adama didn't do normalcy well. Not ever and especially not now. She didn't have to be on the receiving end of his nearest emotional frakwittage – like that day. Like Gianne… The girl was definitely better off without… Both of them were…

***

It all comes into focus, when she leaves. What he has spent a year and a half studiously persuading himself was a retreat into the safety-net – was, in fact, love. Assumed convenience and complacent routine of the little world they shared – was, in fact, happiness. His manifested willingness to trade all of it for indulgence of a long-term obsession – was, in fact, never a plausibility. The Lee Adama, she used to believe he _could_ be, the one worthy of her affection, apt to cherish her, defied and repeatedly disowned by his own self – was, in fact, the man he _wanted_ to be. It all came into focus, once she was slipping away…

***

It all comes into focus, when she leaves. He's shut the ones, who truly cared, out and let himself shatter, succumbing to guilt and grief. He's sought refuge and oblivion in the ambiguous labyrinth of law and justice, and has achieved misplaced revenge, instead. He's deliberately morphed himself into someone she could no longer absolve, having chosen to pursue a battle in the name of the system, while opting to ignore that casualties are the price of victory. As if having shed the uniform he, somehow, lost sight of the human bonds worth fighting for, besides inanimate legal patterns. It all came into focus, once she left. He has to rediscover his war, before he is beyond redemption.

***

It all comes into focus when she's gone… He's spent the last couple of months convinced (or was it – convincing himself?) she was better off without him. Doc. Cottle's hoarse rustling out "death by self-inflicted gunshot wound" drove the ruthless truth home – she wasn't… He _has _to believe there was no way to prevent it. He _has_ to believe the nuclear-wasteland of Earth is to blame – not the fact that he deemed it an exercise in futility to try and grovel his way back into whatever concept of "them" she'd have agreed to after the trial… or maybe the fact that he preferred to assume too self-righteous a stance to grovel that particular time… He _has_ to believe it – to retain whatever semblance of sanity he can. Anyhow, it's not really the point now. The point is - he wasn't _there_ enough to recognize the problem… To hold her off the precipice. He's not that delusional or arrogant to presume the one last sweet evening out they shared was enough to divert her off the self-destruction path. He knows better – he walked it… all the way to the edge… Okay… maybe he did presume just that… After all, it did pluck _him_ out of mandatory post-Earth funk. She did. As always. Gave a glimmer of hope… a perspective of something to look forward to… That glimmer is extinct now. It's a remarkably bleak world she's left him in. Mute too. It's taking considerable effort lately – he's noticed – to form coherent utterances beyond what is absolutely necessary. Oh, he's eloquent enough, all right, at the Quorum, to keep the press relatively at bay, to shut Zarek up every once in a while. Someone has to. He just can't comprehend the luxury of shutting down, as much as he'd prefer to. It all came into focus. He might have lost no less hope, than anyone else, to this cynical joke of cosmic proportions Earth turned out to be, but he'll be damned, if he abandons his duty to their sorry excuse of a civilization right now. He can't fail her like this, _again_**. **Therefore he is composed and efficient – the epitome of calm amidst the tempest… She'd be proud. It all came into focus, once it was too frakking late...

* * *

_* Astigmatism is an optical defect in which vision is blurred due to the inability of the optics of the eye to focus_.


End file.
